[Vulnerability & Power - XIV]
If I spill the milk, I’ve just made a mess. That mess means several things: 1) I’ve disrupted an otherwise peaceful meal, 2) possibly broken the vessel (eg the glass, bottle, or cup), 3) created more work for others, and 4) transgressed an accepted meal norm (liquid should stay in the glass or mouth during a meal).
Guilt says: “I’ve made a mess, broken a norm, and disrupted the peace, which are bad.” Shame says: “I’m bad, as I have made a mess and caused a disruption.”
Guilt can be expiated through apology. “I’m sorry” often does the trick. Shame cannot. Shame drills deep into the identity of a person, and self-ostracizing begins.
The difference between the two often lies in the hands of the people sitting around the table. This is true at a family dinner table, at a church, in a community, or on a larger scale.
The power of belonging is undone by the power of shaming.
